Joseph is 9. He loves legos, baseball, and riding his bike in the neighborhood with his friends. A few weeks ago he asked his parents if he could play a game on his school laptop instead of his usual tv time. He’d been asking a lot and they decided that, since it was swapping screen to for different screen time, it’d be fine.

It didn’t take long for his parents to notice the change. After just a few days of playing one particular game Joseph became less engaged in his other interests. His legos lay forgotten on the floor and he had more frequent fights with his younger brother. He also became less satisfied with the time he had to game. A regular evening fight began to develop: Why couldn’t he have just a little more time to play his game?

His parents also noticed that his new games impacted his focus. It wasn’t that he suddenly became ADD, but video games moved to the center of his waking thoughts. When not gaming Joseph talk about them constantly. He brought them up during dinner, on walks, and during car rides. He drew pictures of them and started to ask for every book, website, and video he could get his hands on regarding that game.

Joseph’s parents reached started fighting about whether this was an issue: Was Joseph just finding a new passion and hobby, or was this unhealthy behavior? They had rules around tech: only in public spaces, after school work is done, and only age-appropriate content–but how much is too much? Was their son on a fast-track to digital addiction or was he simply excelling as a youngster in a digital age?

Use a RESET

As parents we often have these same questions: Is this simply tech I don’t understand, or is this a real danger to my children?

The best thing we can do in this situation is sit down with our child and go through a tech RESET with them. A RESET comprises of five areas critical to healthy and whole lives:

• Responsibilities & Relationships
• Enjoyment
• Sleep
• Emotions
• Time

The process is simple. Sit with your child and walk answer these questions with them. You go first and model what an honest answer looks like, then ask them the question and have them answer. It might sound like this:

1. Responsibilities: Does your Drool Tech get in the way of your responsibilities or relationships?

Do you skip the commitments you’ve made in order to enjoy you tech? This can include: school, work, sports, home work, house chores, relationships with friends and family, or personal hygiene and health.

As children of God our yes is to be yes, our no is to be no (Matthew 5:37), and we keep our word even when it isn’t convenient or interesting to us anymore (Psalm 15:4). 

2. Enjoyment: Does your Drool Tech get in the way of your enjoyment? Do the things you normally enjoy become less fun after you’ve been around Drool Tech? Do your interests change radically after your time with tech? Everyone has bad days, but do your good days seem to be few and far between? Do you use tech to escape reality? Is an alternate universe more engaging than real world? Do you consider yourself to have more real friends online than you have in real life? 

3. Sleep: Does your Drool Tech get in the way of your sleep? 

Sleep is one of the most important parts of human health. It’s right up there with food and air. Do they stay up late or get up early to use tech? Do they use tech right up until sleep? Do they struggle falling asleep because they are thinking about, using, or over-stimulated from their tech? To quote Dr. Matthew Walker, ““When sleep is abundant, minds flourish! And when its not its a sad downward spiral that affects IQ, EQ, learning, memory, health, immune system… literally every body function” (Why We Sleep, 2017).

4. Emotions: Does Drool Tech Get In The Way Of Your Emotions? 

Has your attitude, social behaviors, and responses changed because of Drool Tech? Do you hide your tech use or feel a need to hide it? Are you defensive when someone brings up a concern about your tech use?

Here’s another way to think about it: Are you content without tech? If you don’t get your tech time, how do you react? If you miss a show, or have to skip a gaming session, don’t get to use social media all day, does it cause you to spiral in disappointment or frustration? Without tech do you find you are more aggressive, frustrated, snippy, or depressed than when you don’t get tech time? 

5. Time: Does your Drool Tech get in the way of your Time? 

Time is our most finite resource. Where you spend time says a lot about what you value. Do you lose track of time when using Drool Tech? Do you struggle to prioritize Drool Tech with other important tasks and commitments? Do you fail to keep time commitments because of tech use? Do you feel the need for more time on tech in order to “have enough”? Does losing tech time make you feel like you can’t feel happy anymore?

Apply the RESET in love

In the case of a child like Joseph it’s possible he was just entering a new phase of life or experiencing the elation of a newfound passion. It’s also possible that he was setting off numerous alarms in the RESET process. In this specific instance his parents realized that this particular game simply had too much hold on him and took steps to help him pursue his interests and passions in other ways. 

It’s important to remember that RESET tool for a meaningful tech conversation. It is not intended to be the ammunition you need to “win”. Even if it could, you winning wouldn’t solve anything. If this conversation starts to feel like a lead balloon, take the first step by sharing your personal RESET and asking for feedback from your family. They’ll probably have insights on some tech blindspots. 

You now have everything you need to begin a conversation about healthy tech in your family! If your tech is healthy a family tech framework will help you maintain open lines of communication regarding tech. If tech isn’t always healthy a tech framework will allow you to fight for your family, not just with them, when it comes to tech.

In our next article we’ll discuss more about what we can do if our tech use isn’t healthy.

pc: Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash